one liners Punns short and funny

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Punns and funny one liners

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Clones are people two.

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

Every calendar's days are numbered

Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down!

Flash Gordon exposed himself to all sorts of danger.

FLATTERY: telling a person exactly what he thinks of himself.

Ghosts are merely unsubstantiated roomers.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy!

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

In nuclear warfare all men are cremated equal.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Scotty! Beam me aboard! Aye sir! Will a 2x4 do?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.