Inspirational, short and funny quotes and one liners

quote short and cute funny one liners


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Humourous quotes

Over the past twenty years I have collected humourous quotes from many places, and made up a few of my own, to use at the bottom of my e-mails. It’s got to the point where I know longer know which are mine and which aren’t. If you know the source or are the source, please contact us so that we can give appropriate credit for or remove quotes as required.

Some of them are technical, some are a little dated but I think you’ll like them. So it’s time to let them lose upon the world in one fell swoop.

See the left menu for more!

After we pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is NOT our friend!

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Don't dispute death unless you've lived through it.

Eventually land east of San Andres fault will fall into the Atlantic.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Press here to "Test" [click]. Release to "Detonate".

The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.

The truth is a virus.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't

"Bother", said Pooh, as he saw the mushroom cloud.

"Bother", said Pooh, as the pin fell out the grenade.


"Today's subliminal thought is:"

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?